A musing or too much?

August 11, 2003

Too much "Calorie Math"
Category: Misc.

I stood there staring at the two remaining pieces of pizza. I didn't need them, but dammit I wanted them. In an effort to stall the inevitable, I visited the Dominos' website. There I learned that two pieces of pizza equated to just about 400 calories.

I decided to be reasonable and just have one. So, I carefully studied the two pieces, and I took the drastically bigger one.

I thought, "If I am going to have 200 calories that I don't need, I might as well get more bang for the buck."

"What?" you might be thinking.

Oh I know that it doesn't actually work like that, but it just makes me feel so much better. It's all part of a system that I call "Calorie Math." My "Calorie Math" is not to be confused with the nutritionist's view of calories. They have this uptight view that 1 gram of fat is 9 calories. I know the real secrets.

For instance:

If a utensil is used to have just one bite of something, there are no calories.

This is a useful one. I usually use this rule to have my nightly ice cream. Go to the drawer, grab a spoon, and take a big bite of "Dreamery Vanilla." After you have had your one bite, place the spoon in the dishwasher.

Now, there are drawbacks to this approach. Some mornings I can't eat cereal for breakfast. Instead I get to look at the empty pint of ice cream and a sea of 17 used spoons, but the important thing is that not one calorie was wasted on ice cream.

Calories don't count if the food comes from someone else's plate

If you don't order the food it's basically air. Sample from your fellow diner's with impunity. If you really want to be good, inform your spouse of your dinner choice and have them order it as their meal. You, of course, do the same.

If one bagel is 150 calories, ALL bagels are 150 calories.

This is true for all types of food. I can't tell you the number of times that I have picked through a bunch of food to find the biggest one.

Crumbs don't have calories

Let kids cut the cake/brownies/etc. There might be a mess at the end, but there are sure to be a whole bunch of "not quite a serving" crumbs. These are calorie-free. I suspect that calories are kept somewhere in the bonds that hold food together. The smaller the servings the fewer the calories. This is true even if the masses are the same.

Now that I REALLY sound like a bad, generic Cathy cartoon (are there really any other kind?), I will go.

Do you have any tips? I'm always looking to eat more!

(If you thought that this post was interesting, why not read another? Perhaps a random link? Or you could just read about me.)

Posted by Stephen Speicher at August 11, 2003 10:48 AM

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