If you've read my previous entries, you probably know that one of my pet peeves is the erosion of the English language.

It's getting worse. Corporate America has joined the forces of evil. While I was standing in the supermarket line, I noticed that candy makers have determined that the 'S' and the 'Z' are interchangeable. If you doubt this, listen to just a few of my impulse-purchase choices: Koolerz, Mintz, and Squintz.

It's gotten to the point where we are trying to convince kids that being uneducated is kool. Personally, I think that the whole concept is Ztupid.

People are idiots. I just overheard the following:

"Things are so much better now. She has had a 360 degree change in her attitude."

When I sat down to write this entry I did so with the intent of slamming the annoying Dell interns. After all, Dell managed to find three twits less likable than the "Dude, you're getting a Dell" guy; this is quite a feat. However, I just wrote about the Viagra commercial, and I didn't want to get into a rut slamming every commercial.

Lately I have been really really bothered by television commercials. "Do they all suck these days?" I asked myself. "Why are commercials bugging me soooo much lately?," I continued to ponder. After about the tenth "God -- this commercial really bugs me," my wife turned to me and said, "You seem to be full of rage." That wasn't it, but I was particularly irritated by commercials. It then dawned on me; I had March Madness! After nearly 4 years of using a TiVo, I simply never watch commercials. There is, however, the one notable exception of live sporting events.

Having watched 40 hours of basketball in the last week I had seen more commercials in one week than I had seen in the past 4 years. How the HELL do people live without TiVo?

UPDATE

I got my hair cut.

My hair is getting quite unruly. I need to get it cut.

"When you start, you have very little experience and a lot of luck. The key is to gain enough experience before your luck runs out."

It had been years since I had heard that phrase and it wasn't until I narrowly escaped three accidents in the Uwajimaya parking lot that it magically popped into the foreground of my mind.

After the third near miss, I turned to my wife and proclaimed, "Uwajimaya -- the world's most dangerous parking lot."

"But why?," I thought. I refuse to believe that Asians are genetically skewed towards bad driving. That is ridiculous. As a man of science you would be hard-pressed to convince me of this. Besides, many of friends are both Asian and perfect drivers.

Yet there is also no doubt in my mind that Chinatown is not the place to drive your new Bentley.

Here is what I decided -- the level of dangerous driving rises exponentially with the concentration of Asians. This, however, has everything to do with the type of Asians. Asian markets are generally frequented by those who immigrated and not those who were born here. What does this have to do with the price of tea in China? (I couldn't resist)

In general, this means that they learned to drive at a later age. I don't know about you, but the only reason I survived the stupidity of being a sixteen-year old driver is by having the reflexes and luck of a sixteen-year old.

As I gained more experience I learned to avoid many situations. In short, I became a better driver. However, there were countless accidents that were avoided simply because my reflexes were sharp. Those who learn as adults don't have this luxury. As such, it is reasonable to think that they either a) get into more accidents or b) are tentative (to the point of danger) drivers.

Of course this same line of thought extends to any tightly knit group of foreigners who were car-less (rather than careless) through their adolescence. I just happen to find myself in the company of my Asian brethren more often than other groups.

It seems like a feasible explanation, but, as always, you are free to let me know that I am full of it.

Am I the only one who finds these Viagra commercials a little odd? The premise (for those who haven't seen them) is as follows:

A guys walks through his office and everyone whom he sees asks something like: "Hi Bob. Get a new haircut?", "Hi Bob. New tie?", "Hi Bob. Get a promotion?" "Hi Bob. There's something different about you today."

Now I have never needed Viagra. However, I wouldn't imagine that I would want people knowing about it. Every time I see this commercial I envision people saying "Hi Bob. Finally getting it up?" "Hi Bob. Looks like you're getting some." "Hi Bob. Penis working again?" The punch line of course would be a zoom out to show the product is effective.

Why not? He did invent the Internet after all?

I thought that this was rather funny.

For that brief moment Marc was a deer, the gym was a country road, and I was an eighteen-wheeler barreling down on him at 70 mph.

It was amazing. The look on his face was one part fear, two parts thought, and 20 parts paralysis.

What did I do to cause this? I said "Hi." Yup, that's all. The problem is that Marc is, at best, an acquaintance, and the gym was out of context. Needless to say, he didn't know who the heck I was.

As I watched his eyes, they soared right past "Shit. What's his name?" and landed somewhere between "Where do I know him from?" and "Who the hell is this guy? And, why does he know my name?"

A quick rescue was in order. "Steve," I said right before he hit my windshield.

This is one reason why I try to learn people's names. I never want to have that look in my eyes.

If anyone out there was looking for a birthday present for me this is it.

Every morning I go the gym and nearly every morning I see this one particular person. I have never met this guy, and yet I don't like him.

There is no good reason for me to dislike him; heck, there isn't even a bad reason. He has never done anything to raise my ire. I have never heard him say anything nasty to anyone. In fact, I have never even heard his voice.

Still -- I have this unnatural hatred of him. I take that back; hatred isn't the right word, but he does bug me.

I waste energy on this. When I see him, I invent thoughts and place them in his head. "These people are all below me," he thinks as he surveys the room. "How dare he," my mind retaliates, "Who does he think he is?"

I pondered my odd reaction to this person. What I finally decided is that his face, while in repose, sits with a negative expression. I don't think there is anything that he can do about it. Sure, he could probably make an effort to smile all the time, but that is hardly fair. Some people just have those types of faces.

It got me to thinking; is this a chicken-egg sort of thing? Do people just assume that these people are nasty because of their faces? In turn, do they just become nasty? Or are some people just so nasty that their faces are forced to adjust to their inner being?

I have given this guy a raw deal. I should walk up to him and introduce myself tomorrow. Watch -- he decks me and says "piss off."

Office Pools

Forget whether or not it is fair to the teams. The real concern over BYU is the office pool. How do you fill out a bracket where in the middle of the tourney somebody could declare an "all skate?"

This is a much delayed post which stems from an incident on American Idol. Up until now I had resisted the urge to bring it up. But...

Big fat ass != J Lo's ass

Jennifer Lopez has a muscular backside that screams, "POW!" It doesn't sing "Watch it wiggle, see it jiggle." J Lo has a six pack stomach and is in shape. Here is today's test: if the rest of your body is big like your ass, you can't say, "It worked for J LO."

Much has been said about losing tone in e-mail. However, lately I have been bothered by IM (instant message). A friend of mine has a slightly different set of stock IM phrases. For example, I say, "BRB." He might say, "AFK." This is understandable. People use different words in conversation. Why shouldn't this happen in IM?

The problem is that for mild laughter (not quite "lol" but amusing nonetheless) I use "hehe" and he uses "heh." I don't know why the lack of an E bothers me, but it seems to. Every time that he uses this I envision him muttering a forced "heh." You know the kind. Someone tells a joke. You don't think that it is really funny. However, you want that person to understand that you knew that it was at least supposed to be funny. Out comes the "Heh."

I know what you are thinking; "Maybe you're just not funny." This is very possible. However, he uses this in his own weblogs. Which leads me to believe that either a) he doesn't think that he is funny or b) his "heh" is my "hehe." I have to believe that it is the latter.

Does this sort of thing happen to anyone else?

SADDAM'S SOLDIERS SURRENDER

Do they know the French?

I found myself in an awkward position the other day. I was writing a letter to someone and wrote something like "The company sent her and me to the conference." I paused and shook my head. I knew that I would have to change the sentence. This made me so sad. I had to change a sentence that was grammatically correct because it would sound wrong to 90 percent of the world. This lead me to think that if I said this in:

*sigh*

I never considered myself a cheap person. I tend to leave 20ish% at restaurants. I give the skycaps and bellmen a buck or two a bag. But if this is the test, I have to ask "What ever happened to a job well done?" If someone out there follows ALL these rules, please let me know. I will take the time to add a paypal link to the sight and start a new rule that proper etiquette dictates tipping webloggers.

I think that lipliner should be banned. Too many people just don't know how to use it. If you insist on using it, here is the test: Go up to a random person and ask, "Am I wearing lipliner?" If they say yes, you aren't using it correctly. Chances are you look stupid. Lipliner should only be processed by the viewer's subconcious.

"There is no emoticon for how I am feeling right now"

- comic book guy in the Simpsons

Lately I have been feeling very confined by the limited set of emoticons in MSFT Messenger. I also hate the "sticking your tongue out" emoticon. He just looks too goofy. Why can't MSFT give us the ability to import sets of emoticons? Wouldn't that be great? I could finally have that "cower in fear" emoticon that I have always wanted. We could all share sets. There would be a button to send sets of emoticons. You could choose to use the other person's set or yours. We could define our own. Ahhh. What a world it would be. < wistful hoping (like I am thinking of Kristen Kreuk) emoticon / >

The StinkyFeet Diaries

I've never seen anything like this. This is a must read. When you get there be sure to read the diaries.

You gotta love this!. What's next? Freedom legs?

'Sopranos' Star Files Lawsuit Against HBO

Will the Sopranos be swimming with the fishes?

Boston Globe Online / Metro | Region / On Broadway, the show can't go on

Everybody grab a chair. The music has stopped.

Finally, I get the aisle and the view!

Update

Things are worse than originally thought. Even the old standby (Tom's Diner) isn't helping to clear this from my head.

American Idol on FOX

Last night's episode proves that America is stupid! My prediction -- two of the people whom America voted off in round 1 do very well.

A Plea for Help

I am an adult man and stuck in my head is the jingle for a tampon. It is driving me crazy. While Jack wandered the halls of his mansion frantically writing "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy," I, on the other hand, walk around my apartment melodically chanting, "Pearl Girl -- she's a pearl girl"

More proof that Jack is just that much cooler than I.

FOX Broadcasting Company: Married By America

WOW! This show is bad. I mean really really really bad. I am stunned. I am speechless. I really am.

NO NO NO. Bad Post Office

This is starting to get ridiculous. I propose a two-fold fix a) $0.50 and b) a constitutional ammendment that forbids increases for 5 years.

The Seattle Times: Local News: Bridge won't resign Supreme Court seat

Word on the street is that Judge Bridge is pleading 'Not Guilty' because alcholism is a disease. This got me thinking -- elected officials are required to disclose health information. In her past elections (she is now on the Supreme Court) did she disclose this information? Is this common practice? Should it be?

'Reassurance' a key word as Google grows | CNET News.com

"Many sites drop cookies on visitors' hard drives and then check them on return visits to see what sites the people have gone to in the interim. Although most such cookies expire within a relatively short time, Google's--which plants a unique ID on a visitor's hard drive that can be linked with the user's search queries--is set to continue functioning until the year 2038." -- News.com

Proof that 1000 monkeys typing at 1000 computers can write News.com (but they will never understand what they are talking about)

Tax Deductions?

Oh come on -- she was just promoting growth through her own stimulation package. (Note that I am avoiding a Bush joke here.)

The anti-anti-Americans

Things just don't change. When I was a kid, I always wanted to get to "first base" with a girl. Now, parts of Europe are thinking the same of the U.S -- "If I could only get to first base with them." (airbase that is ;) )

Camcorders and PC's Shape Aesthetics of 'Reality' TV

To complete the Garbage In --> Garbage Out lifecycle.

Finally -- an army the French *might* be able to beat.

Botox: it's not just for dinner parties anymore.

Iraq Begins Destroying Missiles

At this rate we should be done in 2000never.