I barely scored a C on this. It is disgusting how little we Americans know about the rest of the world.

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/news/travel/links/geogquiz2003/

I got an e-mail from my ex-girlfriend the other day. Well...kinda. It was actually a spam. I suppose that when you get about 150,000 pieces of spam a year (about 450 a day) a name like Carrie Edwards is bound to come up eventually.

That said, when you get an e-mail from an ex who actually returned the wedding present (She's now Carrie Chung) you sent her, it tends to take you aback a little bit. I’ve tried a couple of times to say hi (via e-mail). These attempts fell on deaf ears (I suppose it’s actually blind eyes). It’s sad to think that years of my life were spent with someone who can’t return an e-mail. Last I heard she was happy and that’s all that really matters.

Now if I get an e-mail from Carrie or Tyson Chung I'll start to worry. ;)

Remember this?

This is what caused it.

Anyone who knows my family knows that the only thing that is scarier than someone calling me dad is someone calling me uncle!

I forgot to mention that I did it. I officially took part in my first metrosexual activity. I got myself a Mystic Tan. I did this on Friday. Since then, I have noticed no pointing or snickering. By this, I can only conclude that I am not too orange.

This is quite exciting. Now, truth be told, I can't say that I looked 100% natural. There is something a little off about the color. While I don't look like I bathed in Cheeto dust, I do look a little like a citrus-glazed turkey coming out of the oven. Still, when you start like Casper, you learn not to quibble over the type of food which you most resemble.

This whole experience has opened up a world of possibilities. Can you say, “Plucked eyebrows”? Watch out David Beckham; you’ve got competition coming!

My last two posts re-enforced something that I already knew; Spell check needs to be part of the OS.

Between blogging and IMing most of my typing is done in a non-spell-check environment. It would be nice if you had the option to have those little squiggles everywhere.

I think that I've mentioned this to someone at Microsoft, but since I seem to be Microsoft-centric today I thought that I'd mention it here.

I’m not a parent; I’m not even to the point where I play one on TV. However, that doesn’t stop me from worrying about kids and the Internet.

When I was a kid there was a natural progression when it came to smut. This involved such documented steps as trashy posters of women, the kid whose father had the subscription to Playboy, the awkward sex talk, etc.

Parents today have a much harder job. As an adult who is trying to avoid smut, it is nearly impossible. Trying to stop kids who are actually looking for smut would be futile. But does it have to be that way? The question becomes, “Can technology help solve a problem that technology created?”

This is where Microsoft needs to step into the picture. Living in Redmond one can almost here the ubiquitous mantra in their sleep; “That’s in Longhorn,” one overhears at the ProClub. “Longhorn fixes that,” says one Starbuck’s customer to another. Both are wearing the all too familiar MSFT badge. It would be impossible to overstate the number of times that I’ve heard “Wait for Longhorn.”

One thing that I’ve never heard talked about is the pathetic parental controls that Microsoft OSes bring to the table. What I would like to see is an extension of Microsoft’s scenario-based system to include user controls.

Instead of two choices, administrator and limited, give me options. Let me define the parameters for my children. Let me say, “Justin can only use the Internet from 5pm to 7pm.” Let me say, “Justin is only allowed to access these sites.”

Other examples:

After reading about a company that took the time to produce this, I started thinking that there were a couple of useless/niche products that I would like to see made. Surely, they can't be worse than one of those.

a) A VCR with a USB connection. About the only thing that a VCR is good for these days is transferring home movies to a digital format. With that said, why not combine a $49 VCR with a cheap encoder (like the ones that most people buy). The combined product would be under $100 and would make transferring videos incredibly easy. The FF/RW/PLAY controls could all be done from the computer. Plug in one USB connection and you’re done. It would be great.

b) Speaking of outdated technology combined with new technology -- I would like to see a Bluetooth version of the ‘cassette tape adapter’. You know the kind; the tape goes in the car stereo and you plug your mp3 player into the cord that dangles out. You then use your car speakers to listen. Well my idea is slightly different. I would give it a 'headset' profile and a small microphone would dangle out. I would then use my car stereo as a big speakerphone.

c) Speaking of speakerphones for cars -- I have one. It's for the Nokia 6xxx series (5xxx/7xxx also). The problem is that I now want a new phone (most likely the MPx220). This would render that nice professionally-installed kit useless.

Wouldn't it be nice if I could put a Bluetooth box into that kit (where my Nokia phone now goes)? It would be a little box with the same form factor and pin out as the Nokia phone but it would be a Bluetooth ‘Headset’. It would use the kit’s microphone, the kit’s speaker, and the kit’s power. It would only have a call accept/end button. Sure it wouldn’t charge my phone, but it would mean that I would continue to use the same kit.

d) Since I’m on a Bluetooth roll – I wouldn’t mind a Bluetooth door look for my house. I could mate it with either my cell phone or a pre-mated key. It would have a proximity setting. Any time the two saw each other the door could unlock (with appropriate overrides, etc.)

I’m sure I have more, but those are the ones that came to mind.

"Apparently, Saddam has been hiding out on the set of the 'Price is Right'"

"Apparently, Saddam has been hiding out on the set of the 'Price is Right'"

This is one. This is the other.

(Give it a chance to load. It takes some time)

This question comes from "the other Steve Speicher." He sent this to me after my Engligh quiz the other day.

Here's a little Brainteaser for you, that you may or may not have heard before. This is not a trick question. The answer is not "it cannot be done."

You have a standard deck of 52 playing cards stacked neatly in 1 pile. 13 of these cards are face-up, while the rest are face-down. The location in the deck of these 13 cards is random - they could all be grouped together, or they could be distributed throughout the deck. You are blindfolded, and there is no way to tell by feel which way the cards are facing.

Divide the deck into two piles that have an equal number of face-up cards.

When an ActiveX component presents itself, it gives me the choice to:

“Always trust X”

I have never even thought about checking that box (in fact I often chuckle when it says “Always trust Microsoft?” – yeah right!)

On the other hand, I have often longed for a checkbox that says:

“Don’t ever bother me with this Gator crap again”

Would that be so hard?

I am so sick of all this talk about America being fat. I agree that we are fat, but there is no mystery to it all. There is no reason to drone on and on about it. There is no reason to run special after special about it. There is one very simple reason we are fat. We don’t cook!

If you’re overweight and want to lose some lbs, stop buying products and start buying ingredients. It’s that simple.

I am willing to bet that a person who follows that simple rule will lose weight. Of course there are some ancillary rules. Among these rules are: limit butter/oil use and don’t fry.

I’m not saying that you can’t defeat this system, but if you follow it, you will be healthier.

Once again:

Don’t buy products. Only buy ingredients.

The Aiken’s diet is just a fancy way of limiting your intake of products. The South Beach diet does the same thing. It stops you from drinking the Cokes. It doesn’t let you eat the 6 pounds of French fries that restaurants use to fill the plate. Candy bars and other snack foods are out of the question.

Of course, I understand that this won't happen. It's just too much work for most people.

Today's quiz:

What do all the following words have in common?

cleave
trim
fast
buckle
fix

(For the benefit of others, don't post the answer. You'll know if you're correct. If you need more or want to verify, drop me a line.)

Lately I’ve had this desire to be “spotted” by someone who reads/has read these pointless musings. I understand that the chances of this happening all on its own are slim to none. As such, I am going to give it a little push.

Below are the places that you are most likely to see me.

Peet’s Coffee
Larry's Markets Inc
Mikie's Brooklyn Bagel & Deli
ProClub
Tuna House
Regent Bakery & Cafe
Overlake Cleaners

Now – I realize that all of these places are in Redmond, Wa. For most of you this means that bumping into me isn’t going to happen. Fear not, that doesn’t mean that you can’t help. You can send this page to someone who might.

Good candidates for this are a) people who live in the Redmond area or b) people who work for the following companies:

Microsoft
ATT Wireless
T-Mobile
Nintendo
Safeco

If you happen to work for one of the companies above but aren’t based in Redmond, by all means send this page to your buddies.

I suppose that we should discuss what you should do if you actually see me. My first choice would be something like, “Holy crap. I can’t believe that I am actually running into you.” You could also try introducing yourself. Here’s what you shouldn’t do; you shouldn’t say, “Steve, hey it’s been a long time.” If you attempt that, the blank look that you will see will be the result of my searching through every person whom I have ever met. After a pause, I will probably ask, “God, how long has it been?” I promise you; it would be ugly, and that would be mean.

Oh well. I’m done. See you later. ;)

Well. I watched 'The Simple Life' and two thoughts immediately jumped out.

Somewhere a big "Thank God!" was being yelled by Jessica Simpson. Wal-mart -- a place to buy walls? WOW!

The second thought was one of relative embarrassment. Having watched both Paris Hilton's sex life (blame David Letterman*) and her simple life, I can only say that she is embarrassed over the wrong one.

The sex tape showed a natural act between two consenting adults. Its dark, grainy footage was really nothing to be too worried about.

'The Simple Life' on the other hand used the wonderful world of Technicolor to chronicle an abhorrent lack of social skills, work ethics, and basic human kindness. It’s hard to believe how ‘without a compass’ these two girls are. I’m nearly speechless.

I’d feel sorry for them if it were simply a fish out of water situation, but it isn't that. I was disgusted by their filling of the milk jars. I cringed when they slept on their boss’s home couch. Who goes to work, changes into a bikini, and tans by boss’s personal hot tub? Who does this?

The sad part is that if the Hiltons were offered the chance to make one (and only one) of these tapes disappear, they would probably choose the sex tape. It just goes to show you that their view of reality is just as grainy as that infamous footage.

*He mentioned it so much that I just had to go find it. I’m not proud of it, but I did it.

So, I've been toying with the idea of getting a 'Mystic Tan'. For those who are unaware of this new yuppy/metrosexual trend, it is a high-tech self-tanning lotion. It is also the lifeblood of all good 'Queer Eye' makeovers.

What holds me back is a combination of fear and colorblindness. I am worried that I will stroll into the gym with my new “tan” unaware that I look as if I rolled in a mixture of Sloppy-Joes and Cheetos. If you’re in the ProClub and see an oddly-confident orange man walking around, be kind; I don’t know how stupid I look.