If you've been curious about my location over the past week, this is the reason... Funny thing about puppies -- they don't sleep.... EVER!

Is it me or does the fact that the iTunes copy-protection scheme sucks get very little press coverage?

Seriously, they got tons of press for selling 100 million songs but very little press for having 100 million songs that are copy-protected by a wad of bubble gum.

If Microsoft sold 100 million songs only to discover that a command line utility could strip the DRM right out, people would be raking the Redmond giant over the coals.

I wish that I could use a Q-tip every morning. Alas, my rate of earwax accumulation is just too slow. Today for your reading pleasure I present a few passages from my upcoming book: Art and the Zen of Earwax, Lint, and the other joys of the tragically Obsessive Compulsive. Enjoy!

Picking the right time to use a Q-Tip is, like most body-maintenance work, more of an art than a science. Oh sure – you could get on a schedule. You could swab every 3 days, but I say, “Resist the urge!” There is so much pleasure to be had from those tiny balls of cotton, and, if you play your cards right, you will never have to experience the disappointment of dragging a fresh swab through a wax-less, unlubricated ear.

And...

The question I’m most often asked is: “How will I know when to swab?” It’s a tricky question. Every person is different. Some people can swab in the morning and literally be dripping wax from their ears by nightfall. Others will need to wait weeks if not months for the Zen-like experience of pulling out just the right amount of the slightly orange goodness. The important part is to know your body. I suggest using a calendar to your advantage. Be diligent and record everything. However, if you *must* skimp on the details, the following pieces of information are crucial.

I of course always wear a recording device around my neck. At night I enter the cumulative db level for my day. This has proved to be an invaluable tool.

The book is instructional, but, more than that, it teaches you to find happiness in the little things.

I’m clearly getting older and it’s true – the memory is the first thing to go. I’ve progressed past the trite and banal memory lapses such as “Why did I come to this room?” syndrome. I’m now into a much more frightening realm of being.

For instance:

Whenever I have something that needs to be archived I email it to myself. It works as a handy little storage area. The problem is that, in the time it takes a) for e-mail to be sent and 2) for Outlook to recognize that I have a new mail, I forget that I sent myself something. 30 seconds later my email dings and like Pavlov’s dog I check to see whence the new mail comes only to be saddened that 1) it’s not actual mail and b) I’ve forgotten *again*.

I have a similar problem with Blog comments. Whenever someone leaves me a comment, it triggers an email. The problem is that when *I* comment in response to other people’s comments it also triggers an email. I then get excited to see that someone left me a comment only to be disappointed that it was I who triggered the mail.

Apparently, in discussing this with my younger and thus far less forgetful wife, she too suffers from a similar problem. She can check code into the tree, trigger an email, and then Pavlovically respond to the Outlook ding only to find that she just checked in code.

[Shakespearian Aside:

Speaking of the Outlook ding – Do others hear it wherever they go? I can be listening to the radio and I hear the ding. I can be at the park and I hear the ding. Am I nuts? (well…we already know that answer).

End Shakespearian Aside]

I’ve been rebuilding a couple computers lately. It turns out that it takes me, on average, three tries to enter the bios or boot from a CD. It’s not that it’s broken. It’s that I can reboot the computer and, in the time it takes for that screen to come up, forget that I need to watching it like a hawk to press ‘any key.’

Clearly I have a problem. The question is “Am I alone?”

For some reason I have an overwhelming desire to post my MSN Messenger address.

Stephen underscore Speicher at Hotmail dot com.

Ahhh. I feel better.

Today I will be a 56-year-old divorced woman. Tomorrow I will be a drunken college girl. I’m fat? Nah…I’m skinny? Whence come my thoughts? What is my internet identity today? Will they respect my words if they come from a doctor? I could just be anonymous.

Steve, are you going anywhere with this? Yes. If I’m going to read what you’ve written, I’m going to need to know a little information about you.

There should be a rule that all bloggers need to post:

Bourne Supremacy:

Bring Dramamine.

Today I find myself suffering from the general malaise that comes from having my pick in the Reality-TV Derby be the loser. I suppose they say “If you don’t vote, you don’t get to complain.” Wait… I’m complaining; they must be wrong. So there!

To me it always broke down to the following:

Alonzo: the best writer.
Gary: the best timing/delivery.
John: the most generically likeable.

I’ve decided to conduct a little survey here. There are two questions:

a) For whom would/did you vote?
b) Do you have taste?

I contend that people with taste and the ability to spot funny will choose either Alonzo or Gary. Middle America on the other hand will choose John. Some of you might be tempted to say yes to B. Before you do, take a survey of your life. If all else fails, ask yourself, “Did I choose Alonzo or Gary?” If you didn’t, chances are you’re wrong about the taste thing.

Well… I’ve done my part; I’ve put together a completely-unbiased scientific study. All that remains is to gather the results.

While most of you think of me as the suave… nay debonair… gent who wields his prodigious charm with an ease that is rivaled only by Martha Stewart's ability to shower the unwashed masses with her condescending arrogance, I am here to tell you that it’s just not true. When all is said and done, I’m just an odd dude with a touch of OCD.

It being “Confession Thursday” I thought that I would share one of my more, ummm, endearing traits.

I save my lint.

Yes, you heard me correctly. In my laundry room sits a pile of lint that could choke an elephant. I’ll let you ponder that for a moment as I’m sure you will have some questions to ask. [Insert pause here]

Q: What type of lint?
A: It’s the good stuff, 100% dryer lint. I don’t bother with the belly-button variety; it’s too hard to collect in quantity and it lacks the sanitary properties found in your good-ole’ dryer lint. I’ve also found that it weirds people out if you stick your finger into your bully button and then save the fruits of your digging labor.

Q: Uh, why?
A: It’s nothing too odd, really. It’s not like I think that my soul is transferred to my clothes and that with each little piece of lost lint so too disappears a part of the fabric of my life. Even if I did think that, I would be well protected by the aluminum foil that lines my laundry room.

It really started by accident and continued from there. When we moved into our home we were without a proper supply of trashcans. So, I just started tossing the lint on the shelf. I figured it’s clean so what does it matter. One thing led to another and a pile started to form.

Q: Yeah, but why do you keep it?
A: After a little while I began to be amazed at how lint piles were in many ways like snowflakes, no two are alike. The lint began to tell the tale of my life. Mixed in with your more typical lint you will find a batch with a shredded movie ticket. Grains of sand are engulfed by the big fluffy lint of beach towels. Lint tells the story of one’s life and I wanted those notes available for when I finally sit down and write my memoirs.

Q: Do you have any special collecting methods?
A: Yes, I like to change it up. I do my best to not stick to a collection routine. Sometimes I resist the siren-like calling to scrape the lint. I know that if I can hold out for three to four loads I will be rewarded with “one pull lint.” OPL is really the best thing in the world. Not only do you get the satisfaction of getting ALL the lint on the tray you also get something of a mini-archeological dig.

Q: What if you can’t wait?
A: If I get too impatient, I like to use the gum technique. Lint, like gum, seems to be very partial to its own kind. As such, I like to start with a little piece of lint (usually from the corner of the tray) and gently, in a clockwise motion, circle the remaining tray.

Q: Do you have grand plans for your lint?
A: Eventually I plan to place all my lint between two thin layers of glass and hang it as art.

Q: You’re joking, right?
A: God I wish I were!

So there you have it, my confession. What about you – do you have little quirks that heretofore you have been embarrassed to share with the world? Let it out! Trust me; you’ll feel better.

It has been pointed out that my previous entry was too much like this entry:

http://www.theevilempire.com/musings/archives/000229.php

I can't help it that, at times, the same damn things annoy me. I can't tell you the number of times I've come close to reposting this:

http://www.theevilempire.com/musings/archives/000181.php

Oh well... You're just going to have to deal with it. ;)

I'm curious. What is your biggest grammar pet peeve? Lately I’ve been less and less able to tolerate people screwing up “fewer vs. less.”

For instance:

Now with less ads.
Now with less carbs.

I know that I have a bit of the old OCD. As such I’m more likely to be bothered by the butchery. So today I ask the question – what drives you nuts?

My wife and I like to play a little game called “Spot the celebrity.” It’s a simple game; whenever you see a celebrity look-a-like, you say, “Look… It’s [fill in celeb's name].” It’s a game that’s sure to provide minutes of entertainment per month. On a side note, it’s amazing how many people look like oatmeal-pitchman Wilford Brimley.

Well… Imagine my delight when I stumbled across amiaceleb.com. It’s a whole site devoted to people’s delusional self-images. If you think that you look like Jennifer Lopez, you post your picture. Clearly, this person is a spitting image of her. And if this person isn’t one of the Olsen Twins, I’m a money’s twin.

I can’t wait until I get an MPx; I think that I’ll start posting my finds.

I fully admit that I’m predisposed to hate bumper stickers. However, I’m getting a little annoyed at these “Re-Defeat Bush” and “Defeat Bush Again” stickers. Whether you like it or not, Bush won.

I’m not saying that Bush is great, but his not winning the popular vote doesn’t amount to hill of beans. That’s not the objective. That’s not how they spent their money. They didn’t set out to win the popular vote. Did you ever stop to think that the entire process would be different? For instance:

It’s not unusual for California Republicans not to vote. Why not? Because, for all intents and purposes, their vote doesn’t count. Do you think that Bush would spend time and resources in a state with a nearly predetermined outcome? Um..no. This is true across the board for both parties.

Look… I have no idea who would have won had the “game” been different. But to claim victory based on the results of a completely different game is asinine. If you want to change the system, that’s one thing. Even then I’m not convinced the popular vote is the way to go. However, as long as we determine our president based on the electoral votes, don’t complain when the winner wins by getting more, uh…electoral votes.

Do you ever feel like the world is out to get you? Well, perhaps “get you” is a little strong. Let’s try again. Do you ever feel like the world is out to toy with you? Everyone who knows me well knows that I often say the phrase “All I want…” when describing the product for which I long. What follows is usually a string of demands. By the time that they make said product (usually three to four years down the road) the world has changed enough that my “All I want..” has changed also.

Well I am so close to actually getting two products that I can taste it, and in both cases, the world is toying with me.

For instance:

1) The MPX and the MPx220 were/are as close to “settle worthy” as two phones come for me. I’ve been lugging around a Nokia 7190 for many years because I wanted a phone based on the Microsoft OS that had: Bluetooth, a camera, the ability to play music, the ability to communicate with my Exchange Server, etc. At the end of 2003 my dreams came true; it was leaked that such a phone, the MPx220 was months away. What has followed has been delay after delay after delay. I want to scream. My Nokia is LITERALLY disintegrating and yet I’m unwilling to give it up because a) I have a car-kit speakerphone and b) the phone over which I drool is just “right around the corner.” It’s maddening!

2) Microsoft’s Portable Media Centers are nifty little devices. We already use Media Center and to be able to take my shows and music with me en masse when I travel would be a godsend. However, it looks like the two main hardware players, Creative and Samsung, decided to split up some of the key features and offer them exclusively. For instance, Creative has a bigger screen and a removable rechargeable battery. Samsung has a kickstand and offers a remote control. This is my worst nightmare. After my horrific experience with integrated batteries (e.g. my HP PocketPC’s battery died and I was told that it would be nearly 70% of the cost of a new PocketPC to replace the battery.) I refuse to buy that type of unit. On the other hand, I really want to be able to hook this puppy up to a hotel TV and use it as a traveling TiVo. I WANT TO SCREAM!

The above is not intended to be taken as fact. I would be delighted to hear that any of the above is untrue. With that said, I know that a lot of Microsoft people read this blog. If you know any details feel free to (READ: PLEASE) comment or email me at either PMC or MPX at theevilempire.com. Feel free to (READ: PLEASE) forward this to anyone whom you might think would know the answer.

Until then I will curse this cruel cruel world.

Barista: “So anything new and exciting?”

Me: “Well…Love, it’s always exciting and new.”

Barista: blank stare

Me: “You know… [now singing] Love exciting and new"

Barista: still staring

Me: "…come aboard we’re expecting you.”

Barista: still staring

Me: [now belting it out] “The LOVE BOAT soon will be making another run.”

Barista: “I have no idea what you’re talking about”

Me: “I feel really old right now.”