Hello to all my fellow Speichers. Leave a message and say hi!

I'm testing out my new (and homebrewed) solution to comment spam. If people could just say hello, that would be great. If you have any problems drop me an email at comments at theevilempire.com.

Thanks

Update: So far it's working. I've gone from hundreds of comment spams per day to 2 (and I've since closed that loophole). Yay!

Well... I finally fixed my NetFlix plugin. I must say that I hate when I have to rely on screen scraping. It would be much easier if NetFlix would allow people to share their queues as RSS feeds. Oh well...

On the downside, I've run into one of those annoying problems where the answer is so easy that I can't see it.

If there is one among you that you can do a source view on my entire queue and tell me the best way to get that darn thing to wrap, I would appreciate it.

Edit: So much for basic HTML... I fixed it (I think) using CSS.

Today you were supposed to get a nostalgic post about childhood. However, in its ultimate wisdom, Windows XP decided that I needed to be "safe" more than I needed that pesky work that was sitting there… gasp… unsaved in Word. As such, Windows decided to reboot my computer after an update. Poof! There went my childhood. AGAIN!

So instead you get my short theory that bad cell phone reception can be a good thing. Lately I've noticed that there have been as many times when I was glad to drop a call as there were times I was upset. Several times I was stuck in conversation limbo when it hits: "are you there? Hello? Hello?” Oh sure -- I could call back. But why bother? The conversation was in the wrap up process. It had a couple awkward minutes to go. The dropped call saved me from having to look for the “goodbye opening.”

This reminds me of a joke that my best man (and member of the tribe) tells.

"What's the difference between Jews and gentiles?"

"Gentiles leave without saying goodbye and Jews say goodbye without leaving."

This joke is usually told when someone realizes that the group has been standing in the doorway for 45 minutes “saying goodbye.”

Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

My readership has gone flat. This can only mean one thing: you aren’t doing your job! I forgave you when you read without commenting. I excused you when you chuckled under your breath without sharing the source of your amusement. I even let it slide when you were afraid to let your friends know about this site for fear that it might lead back to your “anonymous” journal (don’t EVEN get me started on the anonymous blog!)

But enough is enough!

It’s time for you to share. Don’t worry. It’s not hard. Just pick a post that entertained you and pass it on. Need some help? Check out the favorites section on the left.

<------------ (over there somewhere)

Don’t know what to say? Here are some examples:

1) “I keep meaning to tell you people that you should be reading Steve’s stuff over at theevilempire. Sometimes I laugh. Sometimes I cry, but I always leave a better person.”

2) “My life sure did get better once I started reading TheEvilEmpire”

3) “Looking for another website to put in your RSS reader only to subsequently forget about it? I’ve got the perfect one!”

4) “Hello Dear Sir, my name is Umbaqu and I am from Nigeria. I need your help to get money out of the country. I have included a power of attorney…”

Those are but a few suggestions. I’m sure that you will do fine.

p.s. I’ve never felt dirtier than I do right now. So *this* is what Scoble must feel like. Yikes!

There had to have been a big meeting. People gathered. Presentations were given. Pros and cons were set forth. And, at the end of it all, the green light was given.

I like to think that it went a little something like this:

“So what you’re saying is that we design the object to automatically correct its orientation in the air – we weight the tip to ensure that the steel rod always comes down first.”

“Well of course… how else will we achieve penetration?”

“I see your point.”

“Can we be sure where it’s going to land?”

“Frank… now what fun would that be? How could victory be achieved if these things went exactly where they were supposed to? That’s the point of the whole damn thing!”

“Again – I see your point, and yet I’m still troubled.”

“What’s your problem this time, Frank?”

“Remember our first crack at Operation?”

“How many times are you going to bring THAT up? I fully admit that the real knives were a bad idea!”

“And do you remember the “William Tell” game?”

“Again – I admit that we might have been able to foresee a problem with kids shooting the apples off each other’s heads…”

“Don, thousands of kids lost eyes!”

“You always look at the down side. Are you not going to mention the incredible success we had with our pirate game the next year?”

“Don, that wasn’t a game. The kids were wearing eye patches. They’re blind, Don. BLIND!”

“Frank, I’m failing to see your point. We’re not talking about doing either of those games.”

“No Don. You’re suggesting that we give people giant metal darts. You’re then suggesting that we tell these people to hurl them into the sky. Here’s where I like to bring up a little thing called GRAVITY! You see, DON – These darts are going to come back down.”

“Yeah….”

“The people are down”

“Yeah…”

“Follow me here… The darts could land ON the people.”

“OHHHH… That reminds me… I’ve got a great idea for a hat game”

“ARGGHHHHHHHHHH”

And thus began the great game of lawn darts…

I’m a tiger in bed… I’m also a tiger in the car… I’m a tiger on the head and I’m a tiger in the bar. Technically, according to Chinese tradition, I’m a tiger. That’s fine. I’ve got no problems being a tiger. I just feel bad that we’ve stolen another culture’s years.

Therefore, I hereby suggest that we Americans devise our own system

For instance:

If you are currently 20 years old (i.e. born in 1984), you would now be born in the ‘Year of the Gummy Bracelet.” All your personality traits would revolve around said bracelet. You would be known for your flexibility. You would also have a tendency to travel in packs of 5-50 of your friends. Some of you would be considered cheap rip-offs of the original. You know the kind -- the ones where one kid’s parents bought a whole bunch of the knock-offs at the Wholesale store and then sold them for a quarter a piece.

I, on the other hand, would no longer be a Tiger. I would now be considered a Fro. Having been born in the “Year of the Fro” My desire to defy gravity and to reach farther (and further) than thought possible would drive me. I would also be a harbinger of quality sitcoms. Shortly following my arrival, quality sitcoms akin to “Welcome Back Kotter” and “The Jeffersons” would arrive.

I know what you’re thinking: “Don’t the years repeat in the Chinese years?” That’s true enough, but that’s not a problem. For instance, children born in both 1973 and 2003 would both be born in the “Year of the Trucker Hat” Likewise, kids born in 2014 will be Gummy Bracelet kids. We only have about 30 years of fashion and culture; we just cycle through it all.

Oh well – clearly this needs to be fleshed out a bit, but I think we’re on to something here.

If I ever quit blogging, it will be because of:

bushmills, absinth, otard, Texas Hold Em, etc. etc. etc.

I’m now getting hundreds of comment spams per day. ARGGHHHH!

Don’t get me wrong – I understand the concept behind it. However, I still have to question Safeway’s decision to offer 10 half-gallon milk containers for $10 (a sale sign I recently encountered). It makes me think that they don’t quite get the concept.

‘2 for $2’ I understand. When it’s ‘2 for $2’ the sign plants a little seed in my head that says, “Hey – you need two of them.”

‘3 for $3’ I understand. It says to me “What a deal!”

If pressed I can even get behind ‘4 for $4,’ but 10? 10?

Who the hell walks into a grocery store and buys 5 gallons of milk as an impulse purchase? I don’t know about you but my impulse purchases are limited to ‘US Weekly’.

To be fair -- I didn’t fully investigate the situation. I suppose that it’s possible that if I had bothered to walk down the cereal aisle I would have seen Cocoa Puffs offered at ‘40 for $80.’ Perhaps there was a shortage of calcium pills in the Montana area. Was there a Latte festival that I didn’t know about?

All I know is that I’ve never walked into a store and thought, “Hmmm I could use 5 gallons of milk.”

When I relinquished artistic control of this post to Erin I did so with a secret fear that I would be required to do hours of research and writing. However, if a snippet from one of my upcoming books is all that she asks of me, I’m glad to oblige. I’m pleased to present an excerpt from my upcoming book: “Meat Sticks: Meet the Next Big Idea.” Meat Sticks is the true story of one courageous Turkish man’s journey to transform aging meat spits into the next big idea in fusion cuisine.

This portion of the book is brought to you commercial-free from the good people at Ctrl-C and Ctrl-V:

Having watched, with interest, the incredible success of both ‘California Pizza Kitchen’ and ‘World Wrapps,’ Ozturk was more determined than ever to bring the meat spit of his youth into the twenty-first century. But how? How would he convince the American public that meat spinning on a stick for days (if not weeks) was sanitary? And how would he expand his offerings? Ozturk also knew that one product would not be enough, but he didn’t have the answer. Little did he know that the answers were staring him in the face.

The next few months were filled with trial and error. Ozturk’s first attempt, a four-foot by 1-foot corn dog, was a miserable failure. The giant corn dog lacked the correct corn-to-dog ratio when sliced off the spit. Other ideas were even worse. “I don’t know what I was thinking making a tuna-fish spit. I should have known that mayonnaise wouldn’t keep, but you need to understand the time. There was a frenzy in fusion row. Everyone was looking to be the next World Wrapps. I was two doors down from the deep-fry guy. His willingness to put anything in a vat of oil was an inspiration. We saw the success that he was having and it freed us. In retrospect, perhaps he freed us a bit too much.”

I hope that you enjoyed this portion of Meat Sticks. To read how Ozturk finally was able to make Meat Sticks the multi-million dollar business that it is today look for Meat Sticks in a book store near you. I’ll post the ISBN number when my publishers have it. I’ll also give you an Amazon link.

I'm having some server problems. Look for the next post tomorrow, Tuesday.

While we patiently wait for Erin to provide the artistic direction for the next post, I thought that I would share a picture. Below is the family compound in Montana. Whenever I say "I'm in Montana" or "I'm going to Montana," you will now have a mental picture of me in my happy place.