I'm so excited that I can barely contain myself. "Why?" you so astutely ask. Tomorrow I start CSI writing-school!

That's right -- apparently they're pumping out so many new versions of CSI that they've officially opened up a bi-yearly two-week training course. Truth be told it's more of a seminar for wannabe screenplay writers and tech geeks, but I'm pretty sure that when my two weeks are up they'll be tendering an offer and I'll be joining the creative ranks of CSI:Cheyenne.

As I sit here in my Holiday Inn, I can already feel my creative juices flowing. Well... that's mostly because I'm looking at this, uh, questionable bedspread and wondering what other "creative juices" have flowed around here. Seriously though -- this bedspread is just screaming for some luminol and a blacklight, but I digress ...

Tell me this schedule doesn't look exciting:

9:00 - 11:00 Detectives: Who needs them?
11:15 - 1:00 Photo Enhancement: Pixels from nothing.
1:00 - 2:00 Lunch
2:00 - 4:00 Working in the Dark: Why no one can find the damn light switch in the lab
4:00 - 6:00 Gross anatomy: How to replace "naked" with really bright lights

Oh sure -- I know all the actual tech stuff, but that's what makes this course so valuable. I'll have all that working knowledge exorcized from my head and instead I'll be able to pen dialog that "sounds" impressive to the uninformed. I will be able to write, with ease, dialog such as "I analyzed the random access memory from the victim's cell phone and ran it through a DSP. I then did a high-filter pass, EQ'd the sound levels, and downloaded the results over the universal serial bus. We now have a tape of the victim's last conversation." This would, of course, be followed by the boss reinterating the last sentence in some quasi-witty way such as "Looks like she got the last word after all" or "and they say dead men don't talk...."

It's just so exciting! Wish me luck.

I’ll admit it – Ken Jennings got me watching Jeopardy again. It was nice to see someone with both the knowledge and the personality. Ken was quick and funny, but, more than both of those, Ken just seemed comfortable in his own skin. It was a joy to watch him kick ass.

Jeopardy knows what they had in Ken. I’ve never actually seen statistics, but I would venture to guess that the show did quite well during his reign. Now they’re very quick to ask “Is he the next Ken Jennings?” Win a couple of games and Alex begins to anoint you.

This brings us to the latest champion. His victories are impressive. His knowledge is deep. Alex loves calling him “the next Ken.” The problem? The guy is a complete and utter twit. If Ken was the protagonist, this new guy is the antagonist. He is Omarosa. He is Gerry. Yet, as compelling television goes, there is no doubting his draw. Each and every night I tune in. I watch as he piddles away the daily doubles with $5 wagers. I root vigorously for the other players, but I watch.

I just need Alex to play into the Anti-Ken sentiment. I need Alex to ask, “Is this the twit that will dethrone our lovable Ken?” Someone at Jeopardy needs to acknowledge that this guy has the personality of a house plant… a cactus at that.

Here's this week's column

The nice thing about American Idol (as it relates to posting entries) is that I don’t have to be too careful about spoiling the show for someone else.

They perform. I write. OK… OK… I also vote, but I try to keep that part a secret.

So we’re down to the final three and it’s actually pretty interesting this year.

We’ve got Carrie. She is BY FAR the most vocally talented. However, her showmanship often has a lot to be desired. We’ve got Bo. He is by far the most charismatic and, as growlers go, his voice is decent. Finally, we’ve got V who can belt some notes but also has a propensity to find quite a few bum notes too. She’s really the middle.

So it’s coming down to style or substance. What I’ve found interesting, though, is the judges’ reactions. If I were a record producer and had to manage the career of one of the final three, there would be no doubt whom I would choose. However, the judges never seem to show Carrie the love of someone who is clearly the best singer out there. Randy, as usual, heaps praise on V. Last night he even said something ridiculous like “I still believe you’re one of the better contestants left.” Uh… Randy… we know that you like to push your cause, but come on; that just isn’t true.

Perhaps the economics are better for the producers/show if Carrie *doesn’t* win. Is this another Clay/Ruben situation? Clay was going to sell records no matter what. As such, they’re glad for Ruben to win so that he’ll sell records purely because he’s the American Idol.

All I know is that, as a singer, Carrie is in a league above the other two. She’s already had more than one song that could have played on the air and that’s without studio producing. Furthermore, she’s sung that well live and with a do-or-die pressure on her. Image if they get her into a studio.

One final question: does Randy really need to be as biased as he is? Two of the last three winners have been African-American. Isn’t that proof that America is doing it on their own? Or, is Randy’s pushing just working? All I know is that, if you watched the season, his ability to find “pitch-y-ness” was highly correlated to the skin color of the contestant.

There is a growing epidemic in this country and no one is talking about it. I suppose that we’ve all be waiting for one brave soul to step up to the plate and discuss the issue. Yet, heretofore it’s gone unmentioned. Alas, I shall be the one.

We, in America, have a preview problem. Previews have invaded our television programs and our movies. Their goal, as best I can gather, is complete domination.

Oh sure, previews have always been there, but they were controlled; they were judiciously doled out. They were used to plant a seed in the viewer’s mind. They let the user know that good stuff was coming.

Somehow, somewhere they broke loose and began covering the television landscape like kudzu. I was fine when previews were something you saw in the theaters. Previews provided a pleasant distraction as you waited for your movie-going partner to return with the refreshments. I was a little frustrated when, at some point, the “Start Time” became the start time for the previews, but I handled it.

I begrudgingly fast-forwarded through the previews on rented video tapes. My anger grew when DVDs (especially Disney DVDs) began forcing me to watch the previews.

I truly did think that we had reached the end of the invasion when CSI, Without a Trace, etc. starting showing previews of the episode that started in 2 minutes. However, I was wrong; it got worse!

“Project Greenlight” is now running previews before each and every SEGMENT of the show that is currently airing. “Coming up on Project Greenlight…..” Enough is enough. This needs to stop! Is our attention span that short? God help us if it is!

The other day I was having a conversation with my wife and a movie-buff friend of mine. During the conversation it surfaced that he had never seen “Top Gun.” I found this odd. It then dawned on me that there were quite a few flicks that I hadn’t seen either (e.g. “Saving Private Ryan”, “Schindler’s List”, “Citizen Kane”, etc.). My wife has seen a grand total of zero Rocky movies. Nor has she seen “Good Morning Vietnam”, “Sixteen Candles”, “Days of Thunder”, and a bunch of others.

So let’s have it – what are the movies that people would be shocked to learn are missing from your “Seen it” list? And why haven’t you seen them?

For example:

I’ve yet to see many of mine because it never seems to be the right time. If I’m in a great mood, I don’t want to be utterly depressed for three hours. As such, I avoid Schindler’s List. The problem is that if I’m in an “eh” mood, I don’t want to risk suicide by watching Schindler’s List. There just never seems to be a good time to schedule three hours of gut-wrenching misery.

Bourne Supremacy:

Bring Dramamine.

I am going to break the mold slightly here, but I REALLY need to get this off my chest.

I, like much of the country, have been watching Jeopardy lately. While I find the utter dominance quite enjoyable, I have a growing level of hatred for Ken's unwillingness to break the damn single-day record. Enough already! If you have $42,000 and a $35k+ lead going into Final Jeopardy and you choose to bet $10,000 in order to tie the record for a THIRD time, it doesn't make you look humble; it makes you look even more arrogant.

The only thing that saves him is that Alex is even more ridiculous with his condescending reading (yes, reading) of the answers. You don’t know the answer to every question that could ever be asked. Stop pretending that you do! Remember, you’re the same guy that dealt with the novelty dice on “High Rollers.” Oh no – now I’m going… Alex, yes; he likes to bet to round numbers. You’ve been able to piece together that mystery. We get it. I would really like Ken to say, “Stop doing that Alex! Are you trying to sway the outcome of the game?” The lawyers would probably shut him up then.

OK. I’m done venting. We now return you to your regularly scheduled broadcast.

Yeah... but is anyone going to thank people of New Zealand....

Last night I watched 'Mystic River'. Now I must vent!

---Spoiler Protected---

I will ditch my standard narrative voice for this entry. I am also not going to bother with actually organizing my thoughts. Consider this a rant! It might end up being graphic too. Yikes!

Clint, please stop doing your own music. There should be a rule in Hollywood; Hans Zimmer should be the only person allowed to add scores to movies. The music in this movie was distractingly bad.

Who wrote/directed the last 10-15 minutes of this movie? I know that it can't be the same person that did the rest of it. What the hell happened? Did we decide to throw ALL subtlety out the window? I couldn't help but think that this movie was tested and changed as a result.

Let's put it this way. The real life equivalent would be someone sitting down on the toilet to have a nice bowel movement. That person gets half way through and decides now is not the right time. He stands up, pulls his pants up, and walks away. Needless to say -- the end was a mess!

If you are going to give it a Hollywood ending, do it all the way. Have Jimmy get the cell phone call that saves Dave’s life. I'm not advocating that, but if you're going to do it, do it. If they had any chutzpah, they would have cut to the credits with the big white bang!

Instead you have Sean's weak plot line wrapped up. Don't get me started about that. You have Jimmy's wife behaving in a way that was completely out of character (and not earned in the slightest!). You have every bit of Dave's action explained, and you have a typical cop/mobster moment. What the HELL!

The movie was on its way to a solid B+ before mystery person X got a hold of the ending. It just makes me mad… mad I tell you!

Thus ends the rant.

Is it me or have there been quite a few actors doing multiple shows this year?

The West Wing's Zoe was on The Practice.
The West Wing's Vice President was on Karen Cisco.
Alias's Allison is also on King of Queens.
Greg's Boss on Yes Dear was on I'm With Her.
Friend's Chandler was on The West Wing.

There have been others; I just can't think of them right now. I don't feel like I've seen this in the past.

Recently I rediscovered Sports Night. What a great show. The only problem is that I am zipping through the series too quickly.

In typical Aaron Sorkin fashion, Sports Night is a fast paced, intelligent show that went completely over the heads of the average Americans.

The formula for Sorkin's shows is actually quite simple -- put together an ensemble cast of characters who represent a series of people that we wish we could be. Each of the characters is close to who we are but better.

This is getting ridiculous. It seems that everyone that sneezed near a TV show wants some credit for it. Don't believe me; check out the snippets at the end of the show. I just watched an episode of That 70s Show. At the end, I heard, "Sit UBU sit. Good Dog." Next came Lottery Hill. Paramount then demanded its props. Finally Dreamworks displayed that little boy in the moon. This is a little much.

I suppose that I should start to face the fact that I am getting old. More of my body parts crack than don't. I have uttered, "Kids today....," and I have shuddered when reminded that there are college graduates whose births occurred in the 80s.

Perhaps this is why "Kids today" aren't bothered by the defiling of the HULK. I'm all for CG in movies, but this is the Hulk. I know. I know. It did start as a comic, but it was Lou that made the Hulk the lovable beast whom I remember.

We didn't need all these computers to make it work, and I'm not convinced that the computers made it better. The previews look awful. The Hulk looks out of place and wrong.

I am sure that I will still pony up my $3.25* and see it, but I don't have to like it!

Edit: Apparently movie prices have gone up too. (someone has to pay for all these "special" effects) ;)

When I sat down to write this entry I did so with the intent of slamming the annoying Dell interns. After all, Dell managed to find three twits less likable than the "Dude, you're getting a Dell" guy; this is quite a feat. However, I just wrote about the Viagra commercial, and I didn't want to get into a rut slamming every commercial.

Lately I have been really really bothered by television commercials. "Do they all suck these days?" I asked myself. "Why are commercials bugging me soooo much lately?," I continued to ponder. After about the tenth "God -- this commercial really bugs me," my wife turned to me and said, "You seem to be full of rage." That wasn't it, but I was particularly irritated by commercials. It then dawned on me; I had March Madness! After nearly 4 years of using a TiVo, I simply never watch commercials. There is, however, the one notable exception of live sporting events.

Having watched 40 hours of basketball in the last week I had seen more commercials in one week than I had seen in the past 4 years. How the HELL do people live without TiVo?

Am I the only one who finds these Viagra commercials a little odd? The premise (for those who haven't seen them) is as follows:

A guys walks through his office and everyone whom he sees asks something like: "Hi Bob. Get a new haircut?", "Hi Bob. New tie?", "Hi Bob. Get a promotion?" "Hi Bob. There's something different about you today."

Now I have never needed Viagra. However, I wouldn't imagine that I would want people knowing about it. Every time I see this commercial I envision people saying "Hi Bob. Finally getting it up?" "Hi Bob. Looks like you're getting some." "Hi Bob. Penis working again?" The punch line of course would be a zoom out to show the product is effective.

'Sopranos' Star Files Lawsuit Against HBO

Will the Sopranos be swimming with the fishes?

Earlier today I watched 'Hands on a Hardbody." No this wasn't a steamy movie with a fit woman as the protagonist. It is a low-budget documentary, which has attracted a cult-like following. The film is a tale of strategy, endurance, and pure desperation. It asks the question, "How long will people stand next to a hardbody truck in order to claim it as theirs?" The answer is a really freakin long time.

The most disturbing (or shall I say intriguing) aspect of this movie is its anachronistic air. As I watched the film, I kept asking myself, "When did this take place?" I knew that it was filmed in the nineties. References were made to the 92 winner. The truck was a mid 90's model. I knew all these things and yet I still expected Burt Reynolds to whip through this backwater town with Cletis and Boss Hog close on his trail (Yes. Yes. I know -- different references). The characters are of a world that I had just assumed was gone. If you get a chance, I would watch this flick. You might not walk away with the truck, but you will certainly walk away feeling like your life is a little better than it could be.